Sunday, March 29, 2009

For the love.

So I've been thinking about the past a lot lately. Sometimes I have no idea how to feel about my past, or what to make of the way I have transformed. 

I used to be a shy, innocent, snobbishly adorable brainiac. I sometimes wish I could be just that type of person all grown up, but experiences, heartbreaks, failures, attitudes and even the state of the world we live in gets in the way of this purity and beautiful childlike adulthood. 

I often look at small children and marvel at the world they see. I can't count the number of times I have been filled with sadness at these moments, when I realize they won't stay a child forever and that someday they will have to see the bitterness of what is around them. At the same time, I get so excited at the idea of what they can become. I only hope they do better than I ever did. Old people make me feel the same way. I cry for the things they have seen, and smile at the thought of all they have gained in one lifetime. 

Being the youngest in my family, I never really got to see a human being grow up entirely until my sisters had kids. I used to make fun of my sister Kelly for how she cried when I first went off to kindergarten, but I can see why! Kids are cruel. Adults can be even meaner. The world is a frightening place full of preying wolves. 

However, there is also so much beauty in the world, and kindness waiting to be shown. Last night at work, I was stressed out of my mind and doing the work of 4 employees. People were losing patience with me and God forbid they had to wait for their food longer than usual. Out of the crowd of assholes came one mild and carefree samaritan. She saw me trying my hardest, and offered to help me out. She even cleaned off a table and rearranged the chairs for me. Why can't the world see things the way this woman did? I wish I was that type of person. A shining beacon in this place of cloudy pizza-filled brains and stubborn hearts. 

"Children don't grow up. Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up. We're just a million little gods making rainstorms turning every good thing to rust." --Arcade Fire.

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