Friday, February 27, 2009

Coma. Toast.

Here we go again, on the carnival ride of my life, minus the Mexicans and admit one tickets. Just the nauseous, fun at first but then really shitty, dizzying experience that makes you wonder why you put so much effort into getting to the carnival in the first place.  

I think I have been cursed with something that makes the end of my months completely unbearable. Everything that is great only can last for approximately 22 days. Hey world, chap my ass AGAIN because it'd be absolutely great if nothing went my way AGAIN. Just the other day, after spending wonderful time with David, I got pulled over in a completely unfair way. The cop, who already had a lady pulled over, walked into the middle of the street and waved me down. Can they do that? And how, sir, were you radar-ing me? Obviously cops are out of this world and know a hell of a lot more than me. 

My cursing is bad today.

That same day I had the school call me and tell me I had double credit for a class I didn't actually take, but got credit for through high school smart kid courses. So supposedly I am now down three credits and can't get my associates at the end of this semester like I thought. Thanks for letting me know ahead of time Yudi Lewis. I could have easily taken another class this semester, since my schedule is the equivalent to that of a rigorous 5th grader. But now, I'll have to take a useless elective credit sometime just to get a meaningless degree. 

Then my relationship life once again kicked me in the face later that night. I think I've been repressing things and I completely put David's ex girlfriend out of my mind. I sent her through a worm hole in my brain to a land far away, but not that terrible of a place, because I have nothing against her. But what David and I began to form felt great. Even after all the crap that surfaced when this situation first arose, we actually became closer. Was that a good thing? I think so. I really like him. But at the same time, I know where the deepest part of his heart lies. So we discussed things again. Pain. I wish I could see the future. I don't regret anything. I don't want to surrender. I hate being second. I wish I could show him the things I could offer. I wish that life was fair. I wish I could verbalize my feelings in a way that would make everything gravitate towards my heart and then make everything go my way.

I wish that man I passed on the narrow staircase, or rather avoided passing, would have jabbed my brain with that claw for a hand of his and made me wake up from this coma. If I was anyone else I would have never been ok with this situation, but I don't want to be forced to let go of the feelings that I have. I'm being selfish. I will butt you in line for that shitty carnival ride, just to feel the enjoyment of the initial take-off, and then you will be the one wiping the vomit from my chin when it ends, like it always does. Disappointingly. 

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