Sunday, February 28, 2010

Schmutzig Schnurrbart

So I haven't written in a while, not that YOU, the vast space of the interweb really cares. I've met a lot of assholes lately that deserve some good ol' fashioned, internet baked, pie in the face.

1-- German Cameras-- This is the kid with the spiky hair that is not quite up to The Cure status, not quite soccer mom, but definitely somewhere in between. He thinks he's European or something, but with no taste, no sexy accent, and the fashion sense of a 12 year old rebellious private school student. (Ties, converse shoes, swears, ill-fitting ripped up jeans.) So one day in class he decides to delight us with his presence and some knowledge that will now be completely out of context and hard for you to understand. I'll try my best. Basically we were discussing whether technology has helped us socially and mentally, and I made some brown-nose comment about how it has made us somewhat lazier, less imaginative, and has decreased the number of face-to-face relationships.

Professor: Yeah, yeah I agree.
German Cameras: Well I collect German Cameras. Does anyone else here collect German cameras? (slight pause, no class response) Thought so.....

Blah blah blah the rest doesn't even matter. At that moment I just had two things to say, 1. If German cameras are so amazing, why don't we all own one? 2. Who the hell said anything about cameras? Oh and I also wanted to call him a "Schmutzig Schnurrbart" which means "dirty moustache" and tell him that if he didn't know what that meant, he had no room to talk about anything German. And then I wanted to physically do two things. 1. Punch that sucker right in his spiky noggin and 2. Throw up in my hands and flail them in his direction. I think that would really teach him.

At this point, I am bored of my own writing and I don't necessarily feel the desire to keep going, so I'm just going to list the rest of the assholes with short police-blotterish descriptions. You can make up the details for yourself. Cool, it's like a game for you.

2--Janetta--Round physique, short straight across bangs, glasses, sweaty, sweatshirt. Doesn't ever shut up. Spills her drink all over her desk and wipes it up with her sleeve in the middle of a comment, and never pauses her speech. Opens up sodas slow, making a long "Pshhhhhh pshh pshhhhhhhhhhhhh psh..." sound which pisses off the teacher, gets put on the comment-making-back burner for the day, but still manages to speak more than anyone else.

3--Struggling writer hippie--Came in for a tutorial at work, plagiarized her entire 1 page summary, yelled at me, thinking I made up the word "plagiarism" and its definition, asked me if I liked her socks "from Journey's, you know, the shoe store," and ultimately freaked the shit out at me. If I were to make up a word, I'd make up something cooler than "plagiarism." Give me some damn credit.

4--Guitar kid--Thinks he is always on camera, looks like a character from this crappy 70's era version of a Chaucer's Tale that I watched in high school, is always singing and carrying around a guitar, sits down at a table in the hallway across from a lady trying to do her job and serenades her with some impromptu bullshit with lyrics, "I'm looking for a reason...." meanwhile inserting comments to other people passing by, "I'm looking for a reason.....hey, nice hair dee doo dee da da." Someone needs to tell that kid that he should probably take a back-burner with Janetta and then the two of them can talk and sing over each other until their vocal chords get so worn out from all the noise that they are making that they start talking like Diane Rehm (only without intelligent things to say), and then Janetta's drink will explode (for the last time) making her so frustrated that she'll leave to Germany to buy herself a German camera which she can then film Guitar kid with, and the two of them will make some disgusting movies together, get married, and talk each other literally to death, and meanwhile give German Camera someone to talk to so he can stop annoying everyone else. I'm not too concerned about Hippie girl, cause I'm pretty sure her anger and self-hatred will get the best of her. She's more of the self-destructing type so I don't have to imagine long run-on sentences about the end of her.

And that's it. You all might hate me by now, but really you should just be thinking, "Wow, I'm glad Madelyn has the balls to say all of this because I think of this stuff everyday and let it fester inside of me until I explode like Janetta's drink and make my therapist metaphorically wipe it up with his sweatshirt sleeve." You dudes are SO welcome.


  1. Brilliant. BRILLIANT. So glad I'm now going to read this regularly. Feel free to bash humankind more frequently.

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  3. My favorite description was Janetta.

    Also her name sounds like some car dealerships had a threeway and the condom broke.